KT's World

Perfectionism

2010-03-07T19:52:00.002-05:00

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."
— Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

Have come a long way in terms of my need to be perfectionistic! Am feeling really good about my eating right now. Here is what I am finding is working for me:

1. Variety: Am not eating the same things day after, day after day. Have found some diverse ways to "mix it up a little" and stay healthy.

2. Staying Level: Am eating around every 2 hours or so to maintain steady blood sugar levels. This prevents me from getting to a point when I am "starving". I am eating several small meals (150-200 calories) throughout the day.

3. Carbs are not the enemy--they are a fact of life: I am being very "carb concious", however, I am not prohibiting myself from all carbs. This has prevented feelings of deprivation, and the healthy carbs actually help me to feel full longer.

4. If at first you don't succeed....: More than ever this year it has become clear to me, that it is not about perfection, it is about consistency. It is much easier for me to be more forgiving of myself when I slip for a day. The key is to not let it become a pattern. The weight that I have put back on is nothing in comparison to the weight I lost. I try to remind myself that although I spent most of this school year making pretty unhealthy choices, that led to weight gain, I am nowhere near the 309 pounds that I weighed when I had Micah. It is not too late to turn this ship around.

5. Success does not equal #'s: I am measuring my success in terms of how my clothing feels, how my body feels, how much energy I have, etc. I have officially ended my obsession with the scales.

6. Exercise because it feels good: In the past have painfully gotten through work outs just to burn the calories needed to lose another pound. Right now am trying to re-train myself to enjoy the endorphins, and to exercise for the love of feeling good, and gaining energy.

Feels very good to be back on track! One day at a time....

I'm BACK!!!!

2010-01-23T19:03:00.002-05:00

Time for me to start updating the blog again!!! Very honestly, the past several months have been a real struggle in terms of weight management, but I feel like I am headed back on track. One of the tools that helped me lose so much weight in the past (lost 114 pounds at my lowest weight)was maintaining this blog for increased accountability. So here I am again. I am going to work really hard to update regularly--at least once a week. So if you are checking in please add me to your prayer list, and send positive energy in my direction as I embark on another leg of what is a never-ending journey for me. Deep breath, and on we go.....

New Blog

2009-02-25T17:41:00.001-05:00

Hi All--New blog is up and running--check it out when you get a chance :)
http://www.blogsmonroe.com/weightloss/

Blog is Moving

2009-02-17T20:26:00.003-05:00

It looks like I will be starting a new blog in the near future. I had thought about exporting this blog to my new blog, but after careful consideration, I am starting fresh. This blog is very special to me, and has helped me through the first parts of my journey to become healthier. I want it to stay just as it is right here at ktbourbin.blogspot.com It is hard for me to believe when I look back that it has not even been a year since I started down this path...Blogging has turned out to be one of the best gifts I have ever given to myself!!

So I'm planning to move in a little bit different direction with the new blog. It will be one of the Monroe Evening News blogs and I have given it a title: "The Last 30 Pounds". That is what I truly have left to lose if I get down to my recommended BMI weight...So, I will make a valiant effort to get there. On my new blog I plan to post some about my own progress, about health concious living, new food/recipe discoveries, etc. Also, I'd like to have some guest contributors who are the "real" experts. I don't know..we'll see in time what shape it takes, I guess. I do also plan to have some "flashback" posts--from this blog to help people who are just starting out.

Thank you so much to all the regular readers of this blog--All four of you-ha ha (Mom, Jeremy, Chris and Kim) please follow me to my new site!!!

When I get the URL information I will post it....So long for now!!

KT

Valentine's Day Without Chocolate?

2009-02-12T11:22:00.005-05:00

This is the first Valentine's Day that I have realized that it doesn't all have to be about chocolate!!! I LOVE to celebrate holidays--even hallmark ones--but in the past the celebration has centered too much around food. We have started some new traditions at our house that don't revolve around candy...

* This year the "Lovebugs" have been visiting all this week when we are in bed, and they write us a note and bring special surprises! Stickers, Valentine's socks, markers, etc., are a few of the fun surprises they have brought. Traditions like these take our minds off the CANDY that we used to celebrate with. There are other great ideas like this at www.familyfun.com

* Also, we have done lots of Valentine's crafts--made our own Kai Lan pillow(www.nickjr.com ), learned to cut our hearts from construction paper, etc.

* We have a giant wreath that hangs over our fireplace that we went and bought Valentine's lights and decorations for--"Mr. Kennoth"--also known as "Pot", (my dad), interior designer, extroardinare decorated it for us, and it looks beautiful!

* On a warmer day this week we went for a "red" walk around the neighborhood, and Chloe counted all the red/hearts that we saw.

* And of course we have been listening to love songs (Love Train, Love Me Tender, etc.) and reading Valentine's Day books.

* Last, but definitely not least, Jeremy and I are going on a little romantic getaway for the weekend :) We are so lucky to have supportive families who will love on our babies while we are gone.

Having said all of this--will there be chocolate? Yes, probably a little bit, but not in excess as in the past. Food doesn't have to be the center of our celebrations and traditions anymore. There are so many other valuable ways for us to spend our time together as a family!

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!!!

No News is Bad News

2009-02-11T20:16:00.003-05:00

Fellow blogger, Shauna Reid (www.dietgirl.org), talks in her book about how in weightloss blog-land no news is usually bad news....so I haven't updated in awhile...and while there's not bad news, there is not great news to report either. I have had a tough week with my "food issues". The interesting lesson for me (and I should have already known this), is that just when I get really comfortable and confident about my lifestyle change, and think that I'm "cured", I realize that this will be a life-long process. Some days are easier than others, but when you get right down to it, I will always struggle with disordered eating, and with keeping a healthy relationship with food. I will always have to remind myself that food is for physical nourishment. Energy. Fuel. It is not the old, trusted friend that I have relied on it for for so long. It is not the enemy either, nor is it bad in any way. Food is just food.

The silver lining--today has been good, and tomorrow will be even better. I'm back on track!!!!

Update re. Monroe Evening News Blog thing---still thinking about it....probably will do it. Any catchy new titles for a weightloss blog, anyone?

Blog Goes "Public"

2009-02-06T12:45:00.002-05:00

I may have a new URL soon for this blog. My weightloss blog may become one of the blogs on the "blogroll" for the Monroe Evening News. Our local newspaper has a list of local bloggers on their website with topics ranging from parenting to pop-culture. I think a weight loss blog would be an excellent addition. It would be an opportunity to share with a wider audience my journey, both the ups and downs. So, for me it means increased accountability and visibility. Not totally sure how I feel about that yet, but I think it could be a really good thing for both me, and for other people who need information/inspiration. What do you think? Would you do it if you were me?

Hungry and Full

2009-02-04T20:03:00.002-05:00

Here is an interesting paradox I have been pondering....it is entirely possible to be hungry and full at the same time. I haven't been thinking of it so much in terms of physical hunger or satiety--but emotionally. My new gratitude journal has been helping me to realize just how full my days are with blessings. In the past I have had such a hunger for more, more, more....and while I still feel hunger, I realize that at the same time I am completely full. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, but has been a very important realization for me in my journey to be healthier.

Down 2 pounds

2009-02-02T20:18:00.002-05:00

This has truly been a victorious week for me. I ate real food--very few "products" (protein bars or protein shakes) and still lost weight!! I felt like a real human being this week. I went to dinner with Jeremy, enjoyed eating healthy meals with my family, and still was down 2 pounds. The key for me is being organized and planning ahead. This makes me feel very confident that I can continue to take the weight off at a slower pace here....Hooray!!!

What am I doing?

2009-01-30T12:08:00.002-05:00

Almost on a daily basis people ask me about how I am losing weight. I don't have a specific "diet" plan that I follow (South Beach, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, etc.), but I think I will share what I find works for me. I started by using Optifast--800 calories a day, divided into 5 "products" (protein shakes and protein bars). Really, this part of the weight loss program is super easy once you get past the hunger and the food withdrawls. When I am eating "real food", this is what I am finding works for me:

1. Eating frequently--every 2.5-3 hours--to keep my blood sugar levels steady.

2. I have begun recording every single thing that I eat, and it's complete nutritional information (Thanks, Melissa @ GLWW for great recording sheet). I track my serving size, calories, fat, carbs, sugar, protein, fiber and sodium for each thing that I eat. I have a few websites that help with this (http://www.my-weight-loss-advisor.com/calories-for-weight-loss.html, http://www.nutritiondata.com, http://www.my-weight-loss-advisor.com/protein-fat-and-carbohydrate.html), as well as an awesome electronic food scale, that allows me to enter a code for the food I am eating and gives me the complete nutritional information(http://www.amazon.com/Chefmate-Nutritional-Digital-Scale-Silver/dp/B000LWPZDO)on many foods.

3. I limit refined sugar and carbohydrates, and eat lots of lean protein and fiber.

4. I exercise, cardio and strength training, and stay as active as possible.

5. I attend weightloss support groups/weight management education classes weekly, where I am weighed, to help maintain accountability throughout the week.

6. I try to "nourish my spirit" with non-food things--time with family/friends, music, reading, writing, etc.

These are the things that help me to stay on track!!!

Shake Shake It!!!

2009-01-28T19:42:00.003-05:00

I tried something tonight that I doubt I would have done at 275 pounds--my first Hip Hop dance class!!! It was a complete and total blast! I loved every minute of it. My daughter's dance studio offers a free class for parents, so I decided to try it just for fun. One of the things on my "list" to do this year was to take a dance class--check! Our song is "Come on Shake It" by MC Shy D--most awesome 80's hip hop song EVER. The best part is that in June we get to be a part of the recital! I have always loved to dance and think that I'm not too bad of a dancer, but now I can really "shake shake it"! Fun, fun, fun!!!

Pumpkin Cheesecake Pudding

2009-01-27T19:33:00.002-05:00

I know--it sounds completely sinful and decadent, but believe it or not, I have come up with a yummy recipe for this really tasty treat. JELLO pudding sells fat free/sugar free cheesecake pudding, which I make with skim milk. Then, mix in 1 cup of pumpkin (just canned, plain, pumpkin) and sprinkle with a little cinnamon and nutmeg. Soooo delicious for the calorie count--and the pumpkin is rich in potassium, magnesium, iron and beta carotene. Hooray for dessert!!

Blast from the Past

2009-01-23T13:35:00.008-05:00

I was uploading photos for Flickr and Facebook, when I stumbled upon an old friend. Here are my "before" photos and a more recent photo....Wowsers. So glad we did the backside as well--as if one couldn't tell how big I was from the frontal view...Yes, in case you are wondering, that is a maternity top, and no, I was not pregnant! Click on the pics for an even closer view!!!

Sloooooow Dowwwwwnnnn

2009-01-23T12:05:00.002-05:00

If you could hear me read the title of this post it would sound like I am speaking in slooooow moooootion. I have been thinking A LOT the last few days about my weight loss journey. And while yes, it has definitely been a real trip, I don't know that I can call it a "journey" yet. This has all happened so fast. My lifestyle has definitely changed, but the weight has come off so fast, I worry a lot about a rebound gain sometime in the future. And so, now that I am so close to my goal, I feel that I need to sloooow doooown a little bit and let my mind and body catch up. Rapid weight loss is awesome. The results are enough motivation to keep at it each week. And I would not change anything about my "journey" thus far, but I do feel that for this to be a permanent change I am going to need to re-evaluate how I get to the end. I have been pleased that I did not need surgery or pills to get this far--not that there is anything wrong with that--everyone has their own path. All changes in my body have been directly influenced by both change in diet and change in physical activity.

So I am at a point now where I am feeling that there is no rush. I like the way I look. I feel great. I can buy clothes at a regular store (size 14 now, btw!). I am determined to finish what I started, but need to move my thinking to 5 years from now...where will I be? What will I be eating then? What will I look like? Will I maintain my healthy lifestyle. I need to find balance and middle-ground for myself. I'll let you know how that goes :)

Wooosh!!!!

2009-01-22T15:00:00.002-05:00

Woooshh!!! In the blink of an eye I have lost over 100 pounds...It has taken me my entire life (30+ years) to get to this point, and now that I am here (wherever that is) I feel as though I have not yet had time to fully take in and process my success. I've always been a little slow to process life events--stuffing my feelings away with food until I'm ready to deal with them--so I guess it should not surprise me that this is no different. Honestly, it still really weirds me out when people don't recognize me...I know that mathematically I have lost a lot of weight, but in my mind mind's eye I am still the same me. So I think I have a little catching up to do mentally. Am always a work in progress!!!

I am home sick with the flu today, so I have had more time than usual to think about this today...and, fortunately I have had time to catch up on a most fabulous read. A few posts ago I mentioned Shauna Reid's book "Diet Girl". I have read almost the entire book today. I wholeheartedly recommend it for anyone wanting an inspiring and funny read. I found myself nodding my head in agreement every few pages when Reid shares her most honest feelings of what it is like to be big and to shed the pounds. Link to her blog is on my blogroll at the left side of the page.

Staci's You Tube Posts

2009-01-22T14:35:00.004-05:00

Staci--you are awesome, and an inspiration to me too :) Here is a link to Staci's You Tube video blog--she is a fellow blogger, friend and I recently learned a cousin!! So glad our paths have crossed!!
Okay--so having a tough time posting the link for some reason--here is the URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InmjM9srQ2o

real quick...

2009-01-20T18:24:00.000-05:00

I will very quickly, however, share that I lost 8 pounds this week. Good week. All around.

Blogging Suspended

2009-01-20T12:43:00.001-05:00

I am suspending my blogging for today, January 20, 2009, to celebrate the inaugaration of BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a glorious day :)Congratulations America!!!!

Update

2009-01-16T19:30:00.002-05:00

So lately I have had very little time to do more than a small blurb on my blog...Thought I would update a little more thoroughly. I'm having a really great week this week. I feel motivated, focused and in control. I am on full Optifast formula (800 calories), and have made it to the gym 3 times so far since Monday. At the gym I have been running on the elliptical for 30-35 minutes, and I have been doing some strength training as well. So right now I feel pretty good about things. My weightloss ticker is updated below according to my home scale this morning.

I have been trying to start a new habit, that focuses on my emotional health--a gratitude journal. Each night I am writing down at least 5 (I always have more than that) things that I am feeling grateful for that day. This was the suggestion in a book I am reading: "Simple Abundance". I am finding that I have been "standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst" (song title). Along this journey I have learned to not take so many things for granted, and to not get too caught up in the details. I definitely feel like my gratitude and contentment with life is related to my eating. It is as if I had been trying to fill a hole in my heart with food for years and years, and now I realize that there are so many other things to put in that hole. So many things to be "full" of instead of food....

Something else I wanted to comment on--when I saw my doctor again after several months one of the questions he asked was whether or not people treat me differently now. The answer is, yes, absolutely. People I have known for years have suddenly become much kinder to me...I feel like I have gained a lot of respect from people. And while this may seem nice, it bothers me alot. Because I was no less wonderful when I was heavier. I was still smart and funny and caring--some people just didn't/couldn't see past the weight. Sad. But another thing my doctor said made a lot of sense--really it is on an unconcious level that people make judgments. They probably don't realize that they were discriminating based on weight...Interesting...

That's all for now. OH---one more thing. Reading another weightloss memoir "Diet Girl"--Shauna Reid is a fabulous blogger and author. Very inspiring.

DEAR KIM!!

2009-01-15T18:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Kim,
Thanx for checking my blog so regularly. Makes me happy :) Please join Facebook.
Love your BFF,
Katie

A Little Sloppy

2009-01-13T14:09:00.002-05:00

I got a little sloppy this week and stayed the same (lost .3 pounds--ha ha). The last 25 pounds is definitely going to be the hardest. This time of year is a tough time for me to lose weight, as my pattern is typically to be gaining it. So have to continue to find motivation and willpower to keep going!!! Today has been a great day. One day at a time....

A Swimsuit is Still a Swimsuit

2009-01-10T12:35:00.003-05:00

100 pounds gone has made a huge difference in most areas of my life. But this weekend I am finding that it has not made that much of a difference in terms of how comfortable I feel in a swimsuit. On a weekend getaway here at Kalahari (indoor waterpark), I have actually discovered that I feel a little more self-conscious in my swimsuit than I ever did when I weighed close to 300 pounds. I'm figuring there are multiple reasons for this: a)When I weighed 100 pounds more, I was in serious denial of how large my body was. I knew I was fat, but I just stopped looking in the mirror below my neck at some point, b/c it was too painful. b)The bigger one is, the more invisible one becomes. I used to be that lady that people glanced at and looked nervously away, because I was so big. Maybe this is just my perception, but I felt a lot more invisible when I was bigger. I remember hearing my friends (and practically every woman on this planet) complain when they got into swimsuits about some their thights, or butt, or some other minor "flaw", but I never did this, b/c I didn't even know where to begin.

So this weekend, I understand. I feel awkward about my body, even though it is so much smaller than it used to be. I am not one to let stuff like this get in the way of having a good time--and I never have---but just a new experience I thought I would share. Interesting...

For those who are curious....

2009-01-06T14:11:00.000-05:00

I lost 10 pounds this week!!!! I feel like I'm melting....

Half-Assed!

2009-01-04T07:13:00.003-05:00

Reading a book called "Half-Assed" by a weightloss blogger: www.pastaqueen.com. A really funny weightloss memoir. The author has literally lost half of her ass--started at 372 pounds and is now in the 100's. Very inspiring and encouraging!

So Far Away

2009-01-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

Current theme song...

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’ve never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that we're here,
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

Happy New Year!!!

2009-01-02T14:17:00.004-05:00

I am soooo ready for 2009! Am having a great week and my lifestyle is back in check again. Here is a link to an article that is really interesting on MSN:
http://health.msn.com/nutrition/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100218116&imageindex=1

10 Secrets of the Effortlessly Thin:
1. They don't diet
2. They keep track of their weight
3. They exercise regularly
4. They don't solve problems with food
5. They stop eating when they are full
6. They don't surround themselves with temptation
7. They allow themselves treats
8. They eat breakfast
9. They move, stand and fidget more
10. They don't skip meals

All things I am working on...makes a lot of sense!!!

Ice Skating?!?!

2008-12-30T01:55:00.002-05:00

Life has been full of fun surprises and adventures since I have been on my weightloss journey. Yesterday felt like a real milestone to me. My daughter has been taking ice skating lessons for a few months now, something I have never dared to do because of my size. Actually--I have tried it once or twice, and failed miserably because my ankles were too weak to hold me on a single blade. It used to be painful, uncomfortable and really no fun at all.

So yesterday I decided on a whim to take Chloe ice skating...I was pleasantly surprised to find that ice skating is now fun for me. It wasn't painful and awkward like it used to be. I didn't feel self-concious or miserable on the ice. It was such a good feeling to be able to do something special like this with my daughter. Hooray!!!

I also took another important step on my way to my weightloss goals. I went back to GLWW--the program that helped me start losing back in April. I have mixed feelings about being back. Really glad to have increased accountability, support, structure in my weightloss program, but also feeling afraid about whether I can do this again or not. While I feel ready, I don't quite have the burst of energy and enthusiasm that I had the first time I did the program. But the support group I attended last night was a great beginning. Just being with other people who are going through the same struggles as I am is so important. And we have a GREAT group of fun, intelligent and supportive people. I think the support group is honestly the key element for success.

So prayers, please, for a good week without too painful of a withdrawl process. And prayers/encouragement for success in having a more consistent fitness routine. I ran on Sunday and felt soooooooo good. The gym that I had my membership at just closed, and we received notification that our memberships would be transferred to our local YMCA. This is a blessing in disguise, as I feel it is an opportunity for my whole family to take advantage of the many fitness opportunities there--swimming, kids classes, etc. Off to bed now...Have a good day.

KT

Set-back/New beginning!

2008-12-26T19:41:00.002-05:00

I'm trying not to feel too disappointed in myself for the set-back I have experienced in the past few days. Our family had a wonderful Christmas--really--probably the best that I can remember in a long time. No one was sick, everyone was happy, etc. When it came to eating I had ZERO self-control. In my head I was the same 275 pound person that had a binge-eating disorder. I nibbled, and ate, and ate some more. I ate so much that today I had serious sugar withdrawl.

I could let this get me severely frustrated and let-down, but I am going to try not to. In fact, this minor curve in the road has led me back to the path that I need to be on. On Monday I am starting Optifast again, and will be attending weightloss support groups once again as well. I am determined to get back on course and to finish what I started back in April. Another 30 pounds and I will reach my goal. Wish me luck, will-power, and determination!

Measuring Tape

2008-12-22T13:13:00.002-05:00

"How do you measure a year? How about LOVE?"
--Seasons of Love, from Rent

This Christmas I am so proud of our accomplishments. Our weightloss, new found self-control and discipline, etc. But when it comes to measuring a year it should be done not in pounds, inches, body fat percentages, etc. It should be measured in LOVE--and through all of our craziness as a family, Love is certainly something that is not lacking at our house. My Christmas wish is for all others to feel the peace of having a love so special with your families. Have a blessed holiday :)

Throw it away!!!!

2008-12-17T19:58:00.004-05:00

Working in education, at this time of year I am bestowed with lots of wonderful gifts and treats from my students' families. I am so grateful and appreciative for their acts of kindness--however--today I had to stop at the gas station trash can as a result. I have found that I simply cannot have candy/tempting food in my car or I will mindlessly nibble on it all day. And so while the miniature candy bars, buckeyes, etc. looked delicious, I had no choice but to stop at the closest gas station to throw away the candy as quickly as possible. I know--it sounds awful--and maybe I should have waited and just given it to someone else, but I know myself well enough now to understand that there was no way I could ride more than a half a mile without eating some. To me, having chocolate in the car is like an alcoholic having liquor in the closet....One more day of gift receiving to get through!

Happy Anniversary, Jeremy!

2008-12-15T20:36:00.003-05:00

Eight years!! Hooray!! Love you :)

Songs for you are #1 and # 2 on my playlist: "You are the Sunshine of my Life" and "Thankyou"--we danced to this at our wedding, remember?

"I feel like this is the beginning,
Though I've loved you for a million years..."

still, still, still

2008-12-15T19:47:00.002-05:00

main.tain
14th century
1: to keep in an existing state (as of repair, efficiency, or validity) : preserve from failure or decline 2: to sustain against opposition or danger : uphold and defend 3: to continue or persevere in : carry on , keep up 4 a: to support or provide for b: sustain 5: to affirm in or as if in argument : assert

This definition makes "maintaining" sound as challenging as it really is. My weight has always been in constant motion. Either moving up or down. Very infrequently do I stay "still" in terms of my weight loss. But in order for anyone to grow or make progress I think there needs to be a time of "stillness". A time to quietly and peacefully absorb what has happened, take it all in, and then move forward. My favorite Christmas carol this season is "Still, Still, Still". It reminds me that it is okay--even necessary--to stay still for a little while....

Maintaining

2008-12-13T10:13:00.003-05:00

I have been at a bit of a stand still here for awhile...I am just a few pounds away from losing 100!! But my goal until Jan. 1 is to maintain. If I lose more that's great, but as long as I do not gain until then I will be satisfied. I am really struggling with food issues--as I always do this time of year. Getting started food journaling again has helped me to see where I can make some changes in terms of nutrients I am getting. Also, I am weighing in at GLWW once a week to maintain accountability. And psychologically I am singing Chloe's song--(see "I'm Not Perfect") right now to stay positive and healthy.

Not Surprising: Sugar as addictive as cocaine

2008-12-11T08:29:00.002-05:00

Sugar may be as addictive as cocaine....
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100228625&gt1=31036

I didn't need a study to tell me this! But maybe having some empirical data will help others understand why obesity and eating disorders are so challenging for so many.

I'm Not Perfect

2008-12-10T20:07:00.002-05:00

I have a four year-old who says some very poignant things sometimes. The other night when I was tucking her into bed she was talking about how she's not perfect. That she tries hard, but that only one "person" is perfect. I asked her who that was and she pointed up and said "God". Her understanding of spiritual matters sometimes astounds me and does not match up at all with her age--her spirituality is definitely one of her "talents" if you can call it that. We closed our evening time together by singing "I'm Not Perfect" by Laurie Berkner:

Lyrics:
I'm not perfect, no I'm not,
I'm not perfect, But I've got what I've got,
I do my very best, do my very best, do my very best each day,
But I'm not perfect, and you know I like it that way.

Well anyhow, this really got me thinking. I am still a recovering perfectionist. Letting go of my approval addiction and my perfectionism is a huge part of my recovery from my disordered eating. And while I have made a lot of progress, it is still worth singing to myself on those days that those old parts of my personality creep up on me. So thank you to Chloe for giving me a song in my heart this week :) A mantra, really--"I'm not perfect, and you know I like it that way."

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

2008-12-06T20:49:00.003-05:00

It's the "most wonderful time of the year"--and I really do believe that it is, but for one trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle it is also the most difficult time of the year!! Temptations are everywhere during this season. Holiday traditions are so closely linked to food it is often difficult to separate the two.....ie., candy canes, sugar cookies, hot chocolate, candy, egg nog, etc!

This season is no different in terms of the challenges that it will present for me in trying to stay on track. I think setting realistic goals during this time is crucial to not setting oneself up for failure. Planning ahead for special occasions/events can help a lot. Also, I intend to focus on those parts of this season that are not tied to eating:

-Holiday Music--My favorite playlist of the season is definitely Sarah McLachlan's "Wintersong". Many people have very strong emotional connections to some kind of holiday music at this time of year.
-Decorating--We are trying to make our home beautiful to look at this year--this also keeps us busy making crafts, etc. rather than eating
-Sight-Seeing--Tonight we went for a drive in the snow and looked at Christmas lights--I still have very fond memories of those moments I shared with my family growing up doing this--What a nice non-food tradition to continue with my own family :)
-Giving and Receiving--Focusing on finding special gifts for loved ones and celebrating together with them
-Spiritual Renewal--Finding the special meaning in this season--whatever it may be--is the most important part of this time of the year for me. The birth of a savior, the festival of lights, etc.

Any other non-eating related traditions you would suggest?

Television Debut

2008-12-03T20:09:00.003-05:00

Quite honestly, I had always thought my tv debut would be something a little more...."flashy", however, I am honored to share with you that this Saturday night yours truly will be sharing her weight loss testimonial on an infomercial for Great Lakes Weight and Wellness. It airs on NBC 24 in Toledo/Monroe after Saturday Night Live. Here is a sneak preview on You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL5sX3Ceabw

Be sure to DVR Saturday night for the full footage (Jeremy too!)!!

Gastric Bypass?

2008-12-02T20:28:00.003-05:00

Today someone asked me if I had had gastric bypass surgery. Anyone who may be wondering--no, I didn't. Actually, had this attempt to lose weight not worked, I likely would have considered weightloss surgery of some kind. I'm glad I didn't have to have surgery, but certainly can understand why people resort to it. Interestingly, most insurance companies will pay for gastric bypass surgery, however, a program like the one I followed, which was medically supervised, is generally not covered. Hmmmm....

Airplane Seatbelts

2008-11-24T20:03:00.003-05:00

I had a major moment of success this weekend while travelling to a music therapy conference in St. Louis. I am ashamed to admit that in the past I have had to ask for an "extendor" seatbelt, as the regular belts didn't fit me. This weekend the first thing I did when I got on the plane was check to make sure it fit--and it did!! With room to spare!!! And the little tray table came down and wasn't right on top of my stomach!!! However--I am still an advocate of having seating that accommodates all sizes on a plane. I understand first-hand how humiliating it is to worry if you're going to fit into one of those tiny seats or not. And some airlines actually charge for an extra seat if a customer is obese--that is just plain discriminatory.

A lot of people ask me if I "feel better"--and I tell them that I do. I feel much more comfortable, if that makes sense. I can fit in smaller places, cross my leg, fold my arms, etc. When I was bigger everything felt awkward and uncomfortable. This new found flexibility with my body has been one of my favorite parts of losing weight.

As for my eating during the conference...I did okay. I still watched what I ate, but I did enjoy myself out to dinner with friends. The most important thing is that I remained in control and am able to be right back on track now. It is a good feeling to have control over my eating rather than to let it control me!!

BLT's

2008-11-17T21:07:00.002-05:00

I remember some wisdom I learned at Weight Watchers years ago that I really need topay attention to right now. I remember when one of the group leaders talked about "BLT's" one day. I of course assumed she would give us some diet recipe for bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. But actually, she was referring to "Bites, Licks, Tastes". This has been dangerous territory for me lately. Up until recently I have had such discipline, but for the past week or so I have found myself sampling a bite of this, a taste of that, etc. The dangerous part about this is that bites, licks and tastes lead to gulps, gorges and binges--I know from the past. So while I haven't gotten to that point yet, I need to keep this behavior in check or I know too well what can happen. It is very similar, I would imagine, to an alcoholic taking a sip of a drink--which leads to another and another until the whole bottle is gone....Hopefully I can nip this in the bud!! Hope everyone is having a good week :)

Messenger

2008-11-14T12:31:00.002-05:00

Did you know that the word "angel" is actually derived from the greek work for "messenger"? I truly believe that God frequently sends messengers in the form of friends to share something with us that we need to hear. For the past few days I have been exchanging messages with a friend who read my blog. She shared with me how my blog resonates with her personally and that she appreciated my honesty. To be very honest, my blog has been mostly self-serving thus far in my journey. A place where I can gather my thoughts, record my weightloss journey and a way to stay accountable. But after receiving her message I feel a much greater sense of purpose for my blog. I wear a necklace that I bought in northern Michigan this summer that has two small silver tags. One is inscripted with the word "hope" and the other says "inspire". I would like to keep recording this whole process via my blog to both give and receive messages of hope and inspiration. So thankYOU for inspiring ME!!

Hot Tea and Sugarless Gum

2008-11-12T19:53:00.003-05:00

Sugarless gum and hot tea are my two weightloss secrets right now. When I feel the need to chew on something that I shouldn't--I put a piece of gum in my mouth. When I need to fill my stomach--I fill it with yummy hot tea. Also, since I have become a tea fan I have been frequenting local coffee shops that have a nice ambience. Gives me the sense that I am doing something "special" for myself. I've definitely picked up lots of new tricks to help me continue fighting this battle!!!

Favorite teas: Anything by "Republic of Teas"--Mango Ceylon, etc.

Favorite gum: Trident--multiple flavors :)

I have lost over ninety pounds

2008-11-11T19:41:00.002-05:00

Having lost 91 pounds (as of tonight on my bathroom scales) means that I am only 9 pounds away from a total weight loss of 100 pounds. Throughout my weightloss journey I have tried to downplay the amount of weight I have lost, so that I can "keep my head in the game" and not slip-up by being over-confident. However, I must say that 100 pounds is just a lot no matter how you slice it. Wow. Party at ktbourbin.blogspot.com when I reach that milestone!

Daily Weigh-In

2008-11-10T20:06:00.002-05:00

Back in "the day" I remember learning that it was important to only weigh oneself weekly. Weighing too often, it was believed, could be misleading due to water weight, etc. However, I have found that the key for me is to weigh in daily. I do not let a day pass without weighing myself. I know too well that if I do I will likely let things get out of control with my eating. It has just become a part of my routine that helps me to remain on track and stay accountable. Just thought I would share what works for me...

My Shoes

2008-11-06T20:30:00.002-05:00

I noticed today that my shoes are too big. I wonder how many people realize that when one loses weight it is lost EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately I can't decide what part of my body shrinks--even my feet are getting smaller. I kept feeling like I hadn't velcroed my shoes right b/c they felt so loose. When I looked down I realized that my shoes--like every other apparel item I own are too big for my feet now.

Also--every so many pounds a strange phenomena happens. I had 4 people not recognize me today. Some of these were people that I don't see very often, but a few were people I see regularly. I guess my shape must be changing. It is an awkward feeling to have to say, "It's Katie"--to remind them who I am. I wish I could see myself the way others do. In my mind most days I am still 275 pounds. I still use the handicap bathroom b/c I think I need the extra room, I still take the long way around the outside of the crowded room, b/c I don't think I can fit between people's chairs, I still worry that when I ride in someone else's car their seatbelt might not fit well....I wonder when/if all of that will change. I also still identify really strongly with other women who are big. I saw a bigger mom of a young child today, and felt complete empathy. I thought about how hard it used to be to carry around my own 275+ pounds and carry a 25 pound child too. Or how in your heart you have all the energy you need to keep up with the little one, but your body is just too slow and awkward. I wondered if she feels the need to overcompensate for her heavy body by pleasing everyone around her but herself...I hope I always keep my empathy/sensitivity about what it feels like to be overweight. I never want to forget it, because it has shaped my personality so much. Through our stuggles we grow (or shrink in my case) :)

long time no post

2008-11-05T14:06:00.003-05:00

Long time, no post. We are very busy right now, and very honestly, although I am continuing to lose weight, it has slowed down to a snail's pace. I figured this would happen eventually and am determined to keep going regardless!!

I must say that with the events of our nation/world right now, my weight loss blog seems pretty insignificant. I am ecstatic that Barack Obama is the president-elect. What a proud moment for our country. I have hope for our future, and for my childrens' future now. This is such an exciting time to be alive! Words cannot describe how pleased I am about the direction our country is heading :)

The Smallest Winner

2008-10-23T11:15:00.002-04:00

At work right now there is a fabulous contest going on that I joined. Instead of the "Biggest Loser" someone suggested a competition called the "Smallest Winner"--a much more positive title if you ask me!! This has been a great way for me to continue to feel accountable and have somewhere to weigh in weekly. In addition to being weighed by the school nurse, another incentive to work hard is that there is a giant chart on the wall in the break room that reports everyone's weekly progress!! Since we started 2 weeks ago I have lost 3.8 pounds :) At the end of the contest the top 3 winners will get a cash prize--we all paid $20 at the beginning, plus $1 for each pound gained, and $5 for any missed weigh-ins. How fun!! Gotta' get cracking if I'm going to be the smallest winner!!!!

un-stuck

2008-10-17T13:01:00.001-04:00

I am officially "un-stuck"--I have broken through to the 180's!!! Hoorah!!! Also, scroll down to see my Flickr pictures updates as well as my ticker :)

one step at a time

2008-10-14T19:46:00.004-04:00

I am trying to remember that I have lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time. I have been a little "stuck" for the past 2 weeks and am feeling frustrated. Patience with this whole process is the key. My body has been going through so many changes that it is inevitable that at some point it will need to "catch up" and slow down a little. I have to really look many of the non-number successes when I plateau like this. How much better I feel, increased energy, enthusiasm for life, etc. I will have to work extra hard from here until spring--a period of time during which I typically gain a lot of weight. Here's to a new way of living and thinking this fall and winter!!!!!

my "new" face

2008-10-08T17:11:00.002-04:00

One of my co-workers commented today on how my face looks completely different to her since I have lost weight. I have also had multiple people say that they didn't recognize me at first when they saw me. While I am very happy about my weightloss (83 pounds and counting) I must admit that the changes in my appearance are somewhat weird for me. I don't realize it on a day to day basis, but when I look at pictures I think my face looks strange. For anyone who knows me--you know that I have had a round face pretty much since the day I was born. My thinner face is fine, but it just looks so different to me. Older looking--and now that I can see the bone structure of my face I realize that I have a smaller frame than I realized...Don't misunderstand. I would not trade my weightloss for ANYTHING--I feel so much better. But sometimes, just because I had gotten so used to them, I do miss my chubby cheeks a little bit ;)

The big 3-0

2008-09-30T20:03:00.003-04:00

I have made it through the first month of back to school and am still losing weight! Hoorah!! If I can get through this transition without depending on food and going back to my unhealthy habits, I think I can get through anything. I have lost another 6 pounds since my last post (check ticker at bottom of page for total weight loss).

It is hard for me to believe that in 3 days I will be 30 years old. I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about turning 30--most of them good. My one regret is that I did not lose the weight sooner. It has taken me 30 years to finally get myself on the right track. To finally feel like I have enough inner-strength to get by without using food as my support. To realize that I am really worth the extra time, money, energy, etc., that goes into taking care of one's body and spirit. Here's to a much healthier next 30 years!

199!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-20T13:04:00.001-04:00

I am celebrating that I have officially reached the "100's" as of last night!! I never thought I would see the day....Very, very exciting!!!!!

Lost more weight

2008-09-16T14:43:00.001-04:00

This week I lost 3.2 pounds...I am about .8 away from a major milestone--the 100's!!!!! Will be a great feeling when I get there!

Nourish the Spirit

2008-09-14T14:46:00.003-04:00

One of the things that I have had to practice during this weight loss journey is being better at getting nourishment for my soul. When the soul feels empty, inevitably so does the body. I used to work really hard to fill the "hole" in my heart with food. But, like other substances (alcohol, drugs, etc.), food only fills that spot temporarily. Before you know it you crash and are back on empty again. So here are some things that I have found help me to fill and nourish my spirit:

1. Music
2. Prayer/Meditation
3. Music
4. Exercise
5. Music
6. Quiet time
7. Music
8. Time spent with people I love
9. Music (clearly music is very nourishing for me!)
10. Writing/blogging
11. Nature/Sunshine

When I'm feeling a little empty doing these things fill me up again--and last so much longer than a sugar high.

"The Son can do nothing without the father...."

2008-09-12T13:31:00.003-04:00

Just a thought I had as I was listening to an on-line sermon. Even Jesus realized that He could do nothing separate from his Father. I could not have come this far with my weight loss without my God. My daily strength and inspiration comes from Him. All I had to do was surrender to His will and follow along. Just want to make that clear--when people say what a good job I have done, I feel like giving God the glory :)

Lost 2

2008-09-09T12:25:00.002-04:00

Lost 2 pounds this week! Grand total: 71!!!

Sometimes I forget.....

2008-09-07T17:53:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I forget that I have lost so much weight. It catches me by surprise when people comment at work or somewhere else. And the more dramatic peoples' responses the more awkward I feel. I appreciate people noticing, but just want to be "normal" in that I don't want everyone talking about my weight all the time. Please don't misunderstand--I love hearing compliments, but it has been a little overwhelming to hear from everyone how much better I look. Guess life is good if that is all I have to complain about--Lord knows I would be complaining if people did NOT notice also!!!! Just my thoughts this week....

Down 4

2008-09-02T19:24:00.001-04:00

Down 4 pounds this week! Very busy, with little time to update...Will find time to write more soon!

Change, Change, Change

2008-08-28T11:55:00.003-04:00

Every fall for me is like a whole new adjustment process. I have the summers off, so I kind of forget that by late August life will again become crazy. September (back to school) is always a really good, exciting time for me, but it is full of changes. I go back to work, kids go to daycare/preschool, we start fall activities, etc., etc., etc. Even though these are all positive changes it is still somewhat of a disruption in our regular routine. In the past I have not been very healthy physically during these times. I "can't" find time to work in fitness, get behind on planning meals and grocery shopping, forget to bring something for lunch--in fact I usually use unhealthy food as a way to cope with the change. So this year, I am feeling a little unsteady without my usual crutch (food). I am trying to stay organized and ahead of the game, but I feel very insecure right now about getting into a new, healthy fall routine. One that meets my continued need for weight loss support ...I will do my best to carry this summer with me into the fall and continue all of the important healthy lifestyle changes we have made.

Stayed the Same

2008-08-25T20:25:00.002-04:00

I went briefly to GLWW tonight with Jeremy to weigh in. I stayed the same this week which is okay. In looking back at the past several months I have noticed a pattern in my weight loss. I seem to have a few weeks of pretty significant losses and then my body slows down and evens out a little for a few weeks. It also seems that for whatever reason, everytime I begin cleaning and organizing I shed several pounds. Better go clean out another closet :)

Irene O'Garden

2008-08-25T20:22:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago I posted about a book I read that has inspired me more than anything during this journey.

Irene O'Garden now has a MySpace page:

www.myspace.com/ireneogarden

Also, check out her website:

www.ireneogarden.com

Her journey is incredibly moving and real!!

Back to School

2008-08-22T13:14:00.003-04:00

Last night I went back to my alma mater (EMU) where I did my undergrad. degree. I was there for a training, but could not help but think about the years that I spent there on campus. I was reminded of lots of things...lots and lots of good times, but also my struggles with being overweight. I remember humiliating moments, like walking into class the first day and praying that I would fit okay into the little desks. Or taking notes on my lap in lecture halls, because the little desk thing would not fit around my stomach. I was also remembering how hard it was for me to get around. I detested walking up the big hill to the library or student union--not because fat people are "lazy" as most people think, but because it is literally painful to move your body sometimes when you are so big. I remember feeling awkward at parties/social gatherings, and trying so hard to use my sense of humor to hide my awkardness... It is so easy to focus on the negative-- But so many good memories too. Finding myself, falling in love, making lifelong friendships...what a trip down memory lane. I would not change a thing if I could go back in time.

Ann Taylor

2008-08-20T19:50:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went shopping for a little bit to look for a few new things for the school year. My friend Laurel (thanx, laurel!) encouraged me to try some things on at Ann Taylor Loft. I was doubtful that anything in a "regular"--meaning non-plus-sized--store would even come close to fitting, but decided to try anyhow. To my delightful surprise, I was able to buy several items!! This is the first time (probably in my entire life) that I have not needed a plus-size in clothing. A size 16 might sound really big to some, but it is the smallest size I have worn for a really long time (like since I was 13). What a great feeling!!! It is nice to be able to try new styles...although I'm definitely not ready to say goodbye to Lane Bryant just yet.

Nostalgia...65 pounds later...

2008-08-18T21:56:00.004-04:00

Tonight I completed my 18 weeks at GLWW. Now, granted, I may continue to attend support groups there periodically, as I definitely feel I still need that just as much as an alcoholic needs AA, but nonetheless, it is the end of the transition phase and I am feeling nostalgic. Even a little melancholy to be honest...So much has changed in 4 and a half months. I am the same person, but changed for good (thus the playlist update). Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, and that's okay. For my final weigh-in tonight, I lost 2 pounds. That means I have lost 14 pounds in the past 3 weeks. It is gratifying to see that my weightloss has actually accelerated as I have returned to eating "real" food and making my own choices about what I put into my body. And to know that this is just the beginning of an entire new way of being for me is wonderful. Definitely not an ending. Just the beginning....

April 17, 2008: 275 lbs.

August 18, 2008: 210 lbs.

Possibilities for continued personal growth and mindful, healthful living: UNLIMITED

Down, down, down...

2008-08-11T21:19:00.005-04:00

At my weekly weigh-in tonight I lost 5 pounds! What a successful few weeks this has been! I have now hit the half-way marker....I still have a long way to go, but now that I have gone this far I owe it to myself to stick with it. Scroll to the bottom of the page to see my weightloss tracker.

Total Weight Loss: 63 pounds (since April 17)
Total cost of program: Very Expen$ive

Total insight, self-love, and confidence gained: Pricele$$

Best wishes for a great week,

KEB

Down 7

2008-08-05T08:36:00.003-04:00

I lost 7 pounds this week! This is the biggest week I have had besides my very first week on the program. That is encouraging, as my active involvement with GLWW is winding down, and I will soon be "on my own" to continue my weight loss journey. The only problem is--is that now NONE of my clothes are fitting me--even my "skinny" clothes that I have been hanging onto for many years now....Oh well--totally worth it.

Fat Girl--Irene O'Garden

2008-08-03T19:05:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I read an entire book in one day called "Fat Girl". I have been really into reading weightloss memoirs lately for obvious reasons. This one moved me so much. I found myself in tears after reading it, b/c I could identify so strongly with the author and her journey with obesity from childhood to young adulthood. It was so poignant. In one section of the book she confronts and says goodbye to her "inner bitch". The voice of the critic that is constantly telling her how she will fail again, she is a loser, she's a pig, etc. I said goodbye to my inner bitch along with her and welcomed the newer, gentler voice of my "inner wise woman". She's always been within me, I just haven't listened to her as much. She is much more loving and forgiving! What a spiritual journey this has turned out to be for me. Deep stuff...

Up 1

2008-07-29T07:11:00.002-04:00

I gained a pound this week. Oh well...first time I have gained while I have been on this program. And I know it isn't related to what I am eating, since I have been staying right on track....so, better luck next week.

One thing I have been learning throughout this journey is that it is okay to to need and ask for help. We are all on this planet to help each other through our journeys in my opinion. So thank goodness that I don't always have to be a "helper"--it is a good time for me to learn to be a "helpee". Because no matter how hard I try, I don't have all the answers or know everything there is to know about weight loss. An open mind and an open heart are the best tools I have found that help me along my way!

I learned a lot last night at the grocery store. Our support group took a field trip to Kroger to get some help with shopping for healthy, nutritious foods and to improve our label reading skills. I learned some very intersting, helpful new things!! Who knew that fat free cheese had carbs? Anyhow, just one example of opening my mind and being willing to change the way that I do some things.

Best wishes for a good week :)

long time no post

2008-07-28T08:11:00.001-04:00

I will update soon!! After my weigh-in tonight...

Down 5.5

2008-07-21T21:24:00.003-04:00

I lost another 5.5 pounds this week. That brings my total to 52 pounds! I have been on countless diets in the past, and have had some relative success with them, but have never, ever gotten 50 pounds off. Good feeling. And the cool thing is, that with other weight loss attempts I have had it is around this point that I start winding down and it starts getting old. But right now I feel like I am still just beginning my weightloss journey...I have the rest of my life ahead of me to make healthy choices for myself and for my family. What a good feeling :)

Another successful feeling this weekend was going to a wedding and actually taking my sweater off while wearing a sleeveless dress. I have never--and I really do mean never--worn anything sleeveless in public. I am always a little envious when I see cute sleeveless tops or dresses in stores that I like, but can't buy them because I would never dream of showing my upper arms to the world. Are my arms now perfect? Not even close, but the confidence I have gained is enough to make that big of a difference. It is liberating to say goodbye to the extreme self-conciousness I once had. At the wedding lots of people noticed that Jeremy and I had lost a lot of weight. Some people even implied that we had lost enough and that we really didn't need to lose more. This is an intersting part of losing weight. A social experiment really. Some people get very insecure about us losing too much weight. Like it is okay to lose a little weight and get a little healthier--as long as we don't get smaller than them. It really is fascinating to get to see how people react to someone improving themself...Can bring out the worst in people who are incredibly insecure. Hmmm...

Forever Incomplete

2008-07-18T18:34:00.003-04:00

I added a new song to my playlist. "Incomplete" by Alanis Morisette is a good theme song for me right now.

The song captures perfectly the realization that it is not the destination in life that matters, it is the journey. If we don't have struggles and trials how do we grow and learn? I have heard people say that there is nothing good about being fat....I know that without being fat, I would not have grown into the person that I am today. Being different has given me compassion for others who have to rise to their own diversity. It has helped me to become sensitive and caring and lots of the other things that I consider my "good qualities" are a direct result of having to overcome lots of obstacles because of my weight. I have tried to never let it hold me down.

So even though I am making a decision to change my lifestyle for the sake of my health and my family's healthy, I am not sorry for a minute that I have been fat my whole life. It has taught me lots about life--and my weightloss journey is teaching me even more.

Anyhow the lyrics are just perfect for the way I'm feeling right now:

Incomplete-Alanis Morisette

One day I'll find relief

I'll be arrived

And I'll be friend to my friends

who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace

I'll be enlightened and I'll be married

with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed

I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture

this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat

And I'll know God

And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day

One day I'll be secure

Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture

this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding

Ever expanding

Ever adventurous

And torturous

And never done....

Down 2.5

2008-07-15T19:29:00.002-04:00

Down another 2.5 pounds this week.

Total loss: 46.5

Start date: 4/17/08

Real meals since April: 4 (yeah!)

Started eating dinner again on Saturday. Jeremy cannot believe how full we feel after eating 4 oz. lean protein (chicken, turkey, fish, etc.) and 1/2 cup cooked vegetables. It is honestly like a smorgasboard (feel free to correct spelling) for us to eat this much food every night for dinner. And believe it or not--Jeremy ate green, red and yellow peppers, and mushrooms tonight!! And Chloe tried a peapod! Hurray! Feeling really good and, enthusiasm for weightloss is now renewed :)

Song Dedication

2008-07-14T13:37:00.002-04:00

New song dedication for Jeremy. Added to my playlist today is : Yellow by Coldplay :) Another song that I really wanted to dedicate to Jeremy is called "I'll Still be Me" by Martina McBride. It unfortunately was not available yet on playlist.com. The link to listen to a little bit of that is at amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Laughing-Martina-McBride/dp/B000NOKAPI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1216056491&sr=8-2

Thank you Jer for doing this with me! I love you more than words could ever say!!

"Yellow"
Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do, Yeah they were all yellow,
I came along I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do, And it was called yellow,
So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done,
And it was all yellow,
Your skin Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so You know I love you

The Next Chapter

2008-07-11T19:33:00.004-04:00

I'm definitely ready to transition to eating some real food again. This week has been the hardest yet. I feel tired, and don't have the energy boost that I had a few weeks ago. I am so ready to take the next step on my weight loss journey. I have done the "fasting" thing long enough, and I think I am capable of adding some healthy food choices to my diet. I'm glad it will be gradual--just dinner for the first week. The interesting thing is that I have learned during the past 3 months to appreciate food so much more than I ever have. That might sound odd coming from someone who has been overeating her whole life--one would think that I would have a deep appreciation for food by this point. But, honestly, food had become boring to me. I got to a point where I was eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted--and nothing really even tasted good. And never once in the past have I learned to appreciate food for what it is: fuel for my body. I am starting the next chapter of my weight loss journey with a strong desire to fill my body with fuel that is clean and healthy. And I am gaining the tools and the strength that I need to do that every day. Wish me luck!

Flickr

2008-07-07T20:26:00.000-04:00

See the bottom of my blog for a link to vacation pictures...

Down 4 more

2008-07-07T20:23:00.002-04:00

Lost another 4 pounds this week. That makes 44 pounds total since April 17th. Hurray!!! Honestly, even though I am ending the "active" phase of the diet--meaning I will gradually transition to eating food again, this is really just the beginning. I feel like I've been in food rehab for the past 3 months and now I will have to eat with the rest of the world again and learn how to do so healthily. I'm ready!!!

Vacation...

2008-07-06T12:53:00.003-04:00

We are back from our trip up north. I cannot believe we survived an entire vacation without eating a single thing but Optifast. In fact, it is difficult to believe that we have survived an entire 3 months without eating anything (and I mean absolutely anything--never cheated once) but Optifast shakes and bars.

Anyhow, on our trip we did lots of fun things. Some physical things that we probably would not have done in the past. Jeremy, Chloe and I climbed the sand dunes and got exceptionally farther than we ever have in the past. Jeremy and I went canoeing onthe Platte river that opens up to Lake Michigan beach and it was completely beautiful. I also managed to run one morning around the resort which was very hilly. Running on the treadmill is quite different from running cross-country!!

Now we are in the home stretch of the active phase of our weight loss program. After this week we will transition and begin to gradually--very gradually eat "real" food again. The first week includes 4 oz. lean protein and 1/2 cup cooked vegetables for dinner. A grilled chicken breast and steamed asparagus never sounded so damn good.

Down 40

2008-06-28T17:22:00.003-04:00

I had to weigh in a little early this week. Since Monday night I have lost 1.5 pounds which brings the total to 40 pounds since April 17. A good start, but still have a long way to go...Check out my new ticker at the bottom of the page.

Song Dedications

2008-06-26T15:26:00.002-04:00

I'm going to start posting a song dedication each week for people who are helping me along my weightloss journey. Two of the main reasons I am working hard to get healthy right now are Chloe and Micah. Their songs are the first two playing on my playlist:

Chloe: "She's a Butterfly" Martina McBride
She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Micah: "Godspeed" Dixie Chicks
Godspeed little man,
Sweet Dreams little man,
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Down 2

2008-06-24T20:44:00.001-04:00

Lost another 2 pounds this week! Yey!!!

Hardest Thing Ever

2008-06-23T14:08:00.004-04:00

Losing weight (and keeping it off) is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was reminded of this recently when a friend of the family with good intentions said something that was meant to encourage me. She said something about how I should be able to do this easily (take off the weight). She went on to say how someone like me who has earned a master's degree, has a succesful career, and is a mother of two young children is clearly smart enough and capable enough to lose weight. While maybe I should have taken this as a compliment, it left me stinging a little bit to be honest. My question is that if it is supposedly so easy to lose weight, than why wouldn't someone as "smart" and "capable" as me have done it already?

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done. And while I am so pleased and excited with the progress I am making, I realize that this is just the beginning of turning around an entire lifetime of bad habits. And I am fighting not only bad habits, but also genes, body chemistry and metabolic syndrome, societal influence, etc. Earning a degree and having children are hard--but for me nothing compares to this lifelong struggle I have with achieving a healthy weight. I feel very strongly that I am the way I am for a reason, and that all struggles can become an opportunity for growth and learning if I let them be. And the truth is that apart from God I can do nothing. It is only through His grace that I am able to continue down this path and to learn lessons that he has in store for me. So, let the learning continue!!

Clothes Shopping

2008-06-21T16:58:00.003-04:00

I went clothes shopping briefly today. It was not dreadful like it has been in the recent past. I am down quite a few sizes now, and actually bought a button-front shirt for the first time in a really long time (before had to buy all stretchy knit-like shirts that didn't button). It will be really nice when I get to a point that I don't have to shop the "women's" section. Until then, I am pleased with the progress I am making and am glad for the small successes :)

New Ticker

2008-06-18T17:42:00.001-04:00

I added a ticker at the bottom of my blog (scroll down to see) that tracks my weight loss. Fun!!

Letting Go...

2008-06-17T16:17:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine shared with me today, that she hasn't heard me sound as healthy/happy as I am right now for a long time. That is because since I have been losing weight I have been letting go of way more than just fat...Here is a list of some other healthy things I have been losing:

-My approval addiction--I don't feel the need to be a people pleaser anymore.

-My perfectionism--I don't need to compensate for being fat by being "perfect" in all other areas anymore.

-My anger--I feel so much more peaceful. So calm and balanced.

-My secrets--I don't feel ashamed or embarassed of how much I weigh or how big I am. I also don't feel the need to hide from anyone what I am eating.

And here is what I am gaining:

-A renewed sense of purpose and spirituality

-A healthful outlook on life

-A renewed love for myself

Never thought losing could feel so good!!

Who knew?

2008-06-16T16:22:00.002-04:00

Who knew I would ever try the elliptical machine? Thanks to Melissa for helping me be brave enough!!! I did 20 minutes on one of these today at the gym and it was not nearly as horrible or embarassing as I had imagined. For years this piece of equipment has sort of terrified me...It is so fun to discover that I can do things I never thought that I would. More posts to come later...

Down 5

2008-06-15T10:10:00.002-04:00

Down another five pounds as of yesterday morning. I still have 4 weeks of the active phase of the diet before we transition to food again...

Total loss: 36.5 pounds

Wedding

2008-06-14T06:47:00.003-04:00

Today is my cousin's wedding. I think it will be a really good time :) Makes me reflect back to my wedding almost 8 years ago. I am a few pounds away from the weight that I was when I got married. And that is the smallest I have been for as long as I can remember (since junior high at least). So breaking through and going beyond that weight will be a major accomplishment. I will have to try on my wedding dress :)

Blogging

2008-06-12T20:22:00.004-04:00

I never thought I would enjoy this so much, but blogging is really fun for me! I have found some other blogs that are fabulous that you might also enjoy:

http://www.dietgirl.org/

http://www.pastaqueen.org/

Love both of these blogs and am sure I will be finding more when I have time!

Great Lakes Weight and Wellness

2008-06-12T08:39:00.003-04:00

A lot of people have been asking what I am doing to lose weight. Let me say that for many years I have tried countless other diets/weight loss programs to no avail. In April I started Optifast through Great Lakes Weight and Wellness. You can check out there website here:

http://www.greatlakesweightandwellness.com/

Dr. Bell, Melissa-our support group leader and the rest of the staff is phenomenal and I am so grateful for the support I receive there. This is a medically supervised weightloss program that involves 12 weeks of an extremely restrictive calorie diet followed by a transition to learning gradually how to have a healthy relationship with food again. I am involved in a weekly support group which is fabulous and focuses on education and behavioral change. I am also increasing my fitness substantially and have learned lots about the benefits of exercise and hope to improve my fitness routine even more. I am so pleased with this program and would recommend to anyone who has a substantial amount of weight to lose to check into it. The next step for me, had I not found this program, may have been weightloss surgery. For some this is definitely an option, but for now I am glad I didn't have to go down that road.

A Message

2008-06-10T20:42:00.004-04:00

Tonight I received a very poignant message. I have joined Curves, and was there working out earlier. The walls are very decorative and have all kinds of information, quotes, etc. hung on them that I like to read so that I won't get bored. My favorite quote hanging on the wall is by one of my favorite writers--Maya Angelou. I have read all of her autobiographies and love her poems too. Here is the quote on the wall at Curves:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
Maya Angelou

Tonight when I got home, I picked up a book from my shelf that is filled with inspirational quotes and stories. I have a habit of asking God to share with me some wisdom for the day and then I open it randomly and just see what I find. Tonight I flipped open to the middle of the book and there in bold print on the first page I turned to was this:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
Maya Angelou

Guess someone is trying to tell me something...what a lot of wisdom there is in this phrase. Not just for weightloss, but for life in general.

Simplify

2008-06-10T17:41:00.002-04:00

I am quite honestly shocked by my most recent interest: cleaning. Other support group members in the weightloss group that I attend have had similar experiences. I want things in my house in order. For those of you who know me--I mean really know me, from way back when--this is a huge change for me. The only time I have ever organized and cleaned like this is when I was "nesting" while I was pregnant. Every day that I am at home I have a new project that I choose to work on. And Chloe loves helping me. I have thrown away soooo much JUNK in the past few weeks. I think it is really symbolic of an internal cleansing that I am experiencing from the weight loss. I want my environment and surroundings to reflect the balance and peace I am feeling inside. We are also looking into re-decorating and adding some color to our home. We got some paint samples this weekend and I was really drawn to very clean, vibrant, healthy colors like yellows (warmth, sunshine) and greens (new growth, new life) In fact my favorite color pallette was called "Citrus".

Here is a website that I really like: www.flylady.net. One of my co-workers told me about it. It helps people to "de-clutter" their lives. There is a link on this site to a book called "Body Clutter". One of my friends shared with our support group that she is reading a book with a similar title/theme. I don't know why I haven't thought of it before, but it makes a lot of sense that people who have disordered eating also sometimes have disordered environments. Fascinating....

Going Down...

2008-06-10T17:40:00.002-04:00

Going Down...
Wow--I was down another 4.5 pounds last night. That is 11 pounds in 2 weeks. I have never had weightloss success like this before. Thanks to my friends and family for supporting me so much--especially Jeremy. Total weight loss: 31.5 lbs. in 7 weeks!! I bought a new outfit 2 weeks ago that I am wearing today. My pants are a smaller size than I have worn for a long time, but today they are already feeling too big--this could get expensive to maintain a wardrobe that fits me!! Good thing I enjoy spending $$ :)

Yellow Moments

2008-06-05T20:25:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers is Rosie--I think she's great. She talks a lot about "yellow" as being positive, happy, uplifting, etc. So I sometimes try to think of my life events in terms of what's happening that is "yellow" for me. Here are some yellow moments I have had recently during my weight loss journey...

-I can now run 1 mile (and a little more) and it is not painful. I do this every day and feel so good.
-I can wear my wedding band again--it is even a little loose. For awhile I was wearing a fake ring on my ring finger because my ring simply would not fit on my finger. This means the world to me to be able to wear it again.
-My daughter is learning new, healthy habits and that makes my heart smile. She is proud of her mommy and daddy and as supportive as a 3 year-old can be!
-I have lost the equivalent weight of my son and then some. When I hold him I can't believe I was carrying that much extra weight around.
-I have enough energy to stay up after my kids are in bed and feel like a sane person and spend time with my husband every night.
-I have learned how to reach out and ask for help when I need it along the way. It's okay that I don't have all the answers about how to do this.
-I can fit into clothing that I have not worn for at least 6 years. I bought new capris in a much smaller size than I was wearing.
-I just feel good. Everywhere. My body, my mind, my soul. I feel peaceful and have such gratitude to God.
-I am learning more about myself than I ever have--even in all of my experiential music therapy courses for personal growth, or my own personal therapy. This experience is giving me such insight into myself. And I am learning that I really like myself a lot.

Updated Playlist

2008-06-04T15:28:00.002-04:00

Thank the Lord for iTunes!! I have downloaded so many songs to keep me motivated while I'm working out. Here's an update with a few more songs/artists that keep me moving:

Fall Out Boy-This Aint' a Scene (and pretty much everything else by FOB)
Natasha Bedingfield-Pocket Full of Sunshine
Jill Scott-Golden
U2-City of Blinding Lights
Sarah McLachlan-Bloom-Remix Album

What gets you moving? Any suggestions? Anyone?

Totally Not Weight-Related

2008-06-04T07:19:00.002-04:00

Hooray for Obama!! What a proud moment in our history as a country. We are behind him 100% in our family.

Woo Hoo!!

2008-06-02T20:59:00.003-04:00

I met a major milestone this week! I lost 6.5 pounds this week, which puts me at 27 total lbs. lost since I started 6 weeks ago. I have now lost 10% of my body weight. Feels really good!!!!

Fun Weekend

2008-06-02T14:20:00.003-04:00

We had such a fun weekend--and we were so active!! We went to the Toledo Zoo (love it) on Saturday. For anyone who has ever been there before you know that there is the craziest ramp to get to an overpass to walk from one side of the zoo to the other. In the past I have "huffed and puffed" my way up the hill hating every step of the way. On Saturday I was not even winded--I enjoyed being out and walking all over the zoo with my kids!! Sunday we went to the beach. Again I had so much fun playing, walking the beach, etc., and didn't once have to stop to think about how tired or out of shape I felt. Yey!!! These small successes are way more important to me than the numbers going down on the scales.

Weight Discrimination

2008-06-01T16:22:00.004-04:00

Check out this article on USA Today:

"Weight discrimination could be as common as racial bias"
By Svetlana Shkolnikova

Here's the URL-

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/weightloss/
2008-05-20-overweight-bias_N.htm

Two studies have suggested that weight discrimination may be as common as racial discrimination--not surprising to me at all but still sad....An interesting read.

Inspiration...

2008-06-01T07:19:00.002-04:00

"...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
-Isaiah

Loving the Before Picture

2008-05-30T06:43:00.003-04:00

I am learning that in order to make a real, lasting, positive difference it is so important to learn to love the "before picture". In the past when I have lost weight, the more I lose the more I start to hate the person that I was when I was bigger. I get disgusted when I see old pictures or videos and think--that isn't even me anymore. But, I think the real key is accepting and loving the girl in the before picture and knowing that she is me, just a less healthy version who needs a lot of love and support. And that is what I am giving myself right now!! It is an enlightening journey...(will post my before picture when I get is scanned in)