Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."
— Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

Have come a long way in terms of my need to be perfectionistic! Am feeling really good about my eating right now. Here is what I am finding is working for me:

1. Variety: Am not eating the same things day after, day after day. Have found some diverse ways to "mix it up a little" and stay healthy.

2. Staying Level: Am eating around every 2 hours or so to maintain steady blood sugar levels. This prevents me from getting to a point when I am "starving". I am eating several small meals (150-200 calories) throughout the day.

3. Carbs are not the enemy--they are a fact of life: I am being very "carb concious", however, I am not prohibiting myself from all carbs. This has prevented feelings of deprivation, and the healthy carbs actually help me to feel full longer.

4. If at first you don't succeed....: More than ever this year it has become clear to me, that it is not about perfection, it is about consistency. It is much easier for me to be more forgiving of myself when I slip for a day. The key is to not let it become a pattern. The weight that I have put back on is nothing in comparison to the weight I lost. I try to remind myself that although I spent most of this school year making pretty unhealthy choices, that led to weight gain, I am nowhere near the 309 pounds that I weighed when I had Micah. It is not too late to turn this ship around.

5. Success does not equal #'s: I am measuring my success in terms of how my clothing feels, how my body feels, how much energy I have, etc. I have officially ended my obsession with the scales.

6. Exercise because it feels good: In the past have painfully gotten through work outs just to burn the calories needed to lose another pound. Right now am trying to re-train myself to enjoy the endorphins, and to exercise for the love of feeling good, and gaining energy.


Feels very good to be back on track! One day at a time....

I'm BACK!!!!

Time for me to start updating the blog again!!! Very honestly, the past several months have been a real struggle in terms of weight management, but I feel like I am headed back on track. One of the tools that helped me lose so much weight in the past (lost 114 pounds at my lowest weight)was maintaining this blog for increased accountability. So here I am again. I am going to work really hard to update regularly--at least once a week. So if you are checking in please add me to your prayer list, and send positive energy in my direction as I embark on another leg of what is a never-ending journey for me. Deep breath, and on we go.....

New Blog

Hi All--New blog is up and running--check it out when you get a chance :)
http://www.blogsmonroe.com/weightloss/

Blog is Moving

It looks like I will be starting a new blog in the near future. I had thought about exporting this blog to my new blog, but after careful consideration, I am starting fresh. This blog is very special to me, and has helped me through the first parts of my journey to become healthier. I want it to stay just as it is right here at ktbourbin.blogspot.com It is hard for me to believe when I look back that it has not even been a year since I started down this path...Blogging has turned out to be one of the best gifts I have ever given to myself!!

So I'm planning to move in a little bit different direction with the new blog. It will be one of the Monroe Evening News blogs and I have given it a title: "The Last 30 Pounds". That is what I truly have left to lose if I get down to my recommended BMI weight...So, I will make a valiant effort to get there. On my new blog I plan to post some about my own progress, about health concious living, new food/recipe discoveries, etc. Also, I'd like to have some guest contributors who are the "real" experts. I don't know..we'll see in time what shape it takes, I guess. I do also plan to have some "flashback" posts--from this blog to help people who are just starting out.

Thank you so much to all the regular readers of this blog--All four of you-ha ha (Mom, Jeremy, Chris and Kim) please follow me to my new site!!!

When I get the URL information I will post it....So long for now!!

KT

Valentine's Day Without Chocolate?

This is the first Valentine's Day that I have realized that it doesn't all have to be about chocolate!!! I LOVE to celebrate holidays--even hallmark ones--but in the past the celebration has centered too much around food. We have started some new traditions at our house that don't revolve around candy...


* This year the "Lovebugs" have been visiting all this week when we are in bed, and they write us a note and bring special surprises! Stickers, Valentine's socks, markers, etc., are a few of the fun surprises they have brought. Traditions like these take our minds off the CANDY that we used to celebrate with. There are other great ideas like this at www.familyfun.com

* Also, we have done lots of Valentine's crafts--made our own Kai Lan pillow(www.nickjr.com ), learned to cut our hearts from construction paper, etc.

* We have a giant wreath that hangs over our fireplace that we went and bought Valentine's lights and decorations for--"Mr. Kennoth"--also known as "Pot", (my dad), interior designer, extroardinare decorated it for us, and it looks beautiful!

* On a warmer day this week we went for a "red" walk around the neighborhood, and Chloe counted all the red/hearts that we saw.

* And of course we have been listening to love songs (Love Train, Love Me Tender, etc.) and reading Valentine's Day books.

* Last, but definitely not least, Jeremy and I are going on a little romantic getaway for the weekend :) We are so lucky to have supportive families who will love on our babies while we are gone.

Having said all of this--will there be chocolate? Yes, probably a little bit, but not in excess as in the past. Food doesn't have to be the center of our celebrations and traditions anymore. There are so many other valuable ways for us to spend our time together as a family!

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!!!

No News is Bad News

Fellow blogger, Shauna Reid (www.dietgirl.org), talks in her book about how in weightloss blog-land no news is usually bad news....so I haven't updated in awhile...and while there's not bad news, there is not great news to report either. I have had a tough week with my "food issues". The interesting lesson for me (and I should have already known this), is that just when I get really comfortable and confident about my lifestyle change, and think that I'm "cured", I realize that this will be a life-long process. Some days are easier than others, but when you get right down to it, I will always struggle with disordered eating, and with keeping a healthy relationship with food. I will always have to remind myself that food is for physical nourishment. Energy. Fuel. It is not the old, trusted friend that I have relied on it for for so long. It is not the enemy either, nor is it bad in any way. Food is just food.

The silver lining--today has been good, and tomorrow will be even better. I'm back on track!!!!

Update re. Monroe Evening News Blog thing---still thinking about it....probably will do it. Any catchy new titles for a weightloss blog, anyone?

Blog Goes "Public"

I may have a new URL soon for this blog. My weightloss blog may become one of the blogs on the "blogroll" for the Monroe Evening News. Our local newspaper has a list of local bloggers on their website with topics ranging from parenting to pop-culture. I think a weight loss blog would be an excellent addition. It would be an opportunity to share with a wider audience my journey, both the ups and downs. So, for me it means increased accountability and visibility. Not totally sure how I feel about that yet, but I think it could be a really good thing for both me, and for other people who need information/inspiration. What do you think? Would you do it if you were me?

Hungry and Full

Here is an interesting paradox I have been pondering....it is entirely possible to be hungry and full at the same time. I haven't been thinking of it so much in terms of physical hunger or satiety--but emotionally. My new gratitude journal has been helping me to realize just how full my days are with blessings. In the past I have had such a hunger for more, more, more....and while I still feel hunger, I realize that at the same time I am completely full. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, but has been a very important realization for me in my journey to be healthier.

Down 2 pounds

This has truly been a victorious week for me. I ate real food--very few "products" (protein bars or protein shakes) and still lost weight!! I felt like a real human being this week. I went to dinner with Jeremy, enjoyed eating healthy meals with my family, and still was down 2 pounds. The key for me is being organized and planning ahead. This makes me feel very confident that I can continue to take the weight off at a slower pace here....Hooray!!!

What am I doing?

Almost on a daily basis people ask me about how I am losing weight. I don't have a specific "diet" plan that I follow (South Beach, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, etc.), but I think I will share what I find works for me. I started by using Optifast--800 calories a day, divided into 5 "products" (protein shakes and protein bars). Really, this part of the weight loss program is super easy once you get past the hunger and the food withdrawls. When I am eating "real food", this is what I am finding works for me:

1. Eating frequently--every 2.5-3 hours--to keep my blood sugar levels steady.

2. I have begun recording every single thing that I eat, and it's complete nutritional information (Thanks, Melissa @ GLWW for great recording sheet). I track my serving size, calories, fat, carbs, sugar, protein, fiber and sodium for each thing that I eat. I have a few websites that help with this (http://www.my-weight-loss-advisor.com/calories-for-weight-loss.html, http://www.nutritiondata.com, http://www.my-weight-loss-advisor.com/protein-fat-and-carbohydrate.html), as well as an awesome electronic food scale, that allows me to enter a code for the food I am eating and gives me the complete nutritional information(http://www.amazon.com/Chefmate-Nutritional-Digital-Scale-Silver/dp/B000LWPZDO)on many foods.

3. I limit refined sugar and carbohydrates, and eat lots of lean protein and fiber.

4. I exercise, cardio and strength training, and stay as active as possible.

5. I attend weightloss support groups/weight management education classes weekly, where I am weighed, to help maintain accountability throughout the week.

6. I try to "nourish my spirit" with non-food things--time with family/friends, music, reading, writing, etc.

These are the things that help me to stay on track!!!

Shake Shake It!!!

I tried something tonight that I doubt I would have done at 275 pounds--my first Hip Hop dance class!!! It was a complete and total blast! I loved every minute of it. My daughter's dance studio offers a free class for parents, so I decided to try it just for fun. One of the things on my "list" to do this year was to take a dance class--check! Our song is "Come on Shake It" by MC Shy D--most awesome 80's hip hop song EVER. The best part is that in June we get to be a part of the recital! I have always loved to dance and think that I'm not too bad of a dancer, but now I can really "shake shake it"! Fun, fun, fun!!!

Pumpkin Cheesecake Pudding

I know--it sounds completely sinful and decadent, but believe it or not, I have come up with a yummy recipe for this really tasty treat. JELLO pudding sells fat free/sugar free cheesecake pudding, which I make with skim milk. Then, mix in 1 cup of pumpkin (just canned, plain, pumpkin) and sprinkle with a little cinnamon and nutmeg. Soooo delicious for the calorie count--and the pumpkin is rich in potassium, magnesium, iron and beta carotene. Hooray for dessert!!

Blast from the Past

I was uploading photos for Flickr and Facebook, when I stumbled upon an old friend. Here are my "before" photos and a more recent photo....Wowsers. So glad we did the backside as well--as if one couldn't tell how big I was from the frontal view...Yes, in case you are wondering, that is a maternity top, and no, I was not pregnant! Click on the pics for an even closer view!!!

Sloooooow Dowwwwwnnnn

If you could hear me read the title of this post it would sound like I am speaking in slooooow moooootion. I have been thinking A LOT the last few days about my weight loss journey. And while yes, it has definitely been a real trip, I don't know that I can call it a "journey" yet. This has all happened so fast. My lifestyle has definitely changed, but the weight has come off so fast, I worry a lot about a rebound gain sometime in the future. And so, now that I am so close to my goal, I feel that I need to sloooow doooown a little bit and let my mind and body catch up. Rapid weight loss is awesome. The results are enough motivation to keep at it each week. And I would not change anything about my "journey" thus far, but I do feel that for this to be a permanent change I am going to need to re-evaluate how I get to the end. I have been pleased that I did not need surgery or pills to get this far--not that there is anything wrong with that--everyone has their own path. All changes in my body have been directly influenced by both change in diet and change in physical activity.

So I am at a point now where I am feeling that there is no rush. I like the way I look. I feel great. I can buy clothes at a regular store (size 14 now, btw!). I am determined to finish what I started, but need to move my thinking to 5 years from now...where will I be? What will I be eating then? What will I look like? Will I maintain my healthy lifestyle. I need to find balance and middle-ground for myself. I'll let you know how that goes :)

Wooosh!!!!

Woooshh!!! In the blink of an eye I have lost over 100 pounds...It has taken me my entire life (30+ years) to get to this point, and now that I am here (wherever that is) I feel as though I have not yet had time to fully take in and process my success. I've always been a little slow to process life events--stuffing my feelings away with food until I'm ready to deal with them--so I guess it should not surprise me that this is no different. Honestly, it still really weirds me out when people don't recognize me...I know that mathematically I have lost a lot of weight, but in my mind mind's eye I am still the same me. So I think I have a little catching up to do mentally. Am always a work in progress!!!

I am home sick with the flu today, so I have had more time than usual to think about this today...and, fortunately I have had time to catch up on a most fabulous read. A few posts ago I mentioned Shauna Reid's book "Diet Girl". I have read almost the entire book today. I wholeheartedly recommend it for anyone wanting an inspiring and funny read. I found myself nodding my head in agreement every few pages when Reid shares her most honest feelings of what it is like to be big and to shed the pounds. Link to her blog is on my blogroll at the left side of the page.

Staci's You Tube Posts

Staci--you are awesome, and an inspiration to me too :) Here is a link to Staci's You Tube video blog--she is a fellow blogger, friend and I recently learned a cousin!! So glad our paths have crossed!!
Okay--so having a tough time posting the link for some reason--here is the URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InmjM9srQ2o

real quick...

I will very quickly, however, share that I lost 8 pounds this week. Good week. All around.

Blogging Suspended

I am suspending my blogging for today, January 20, 2009, to celebrate the inaugaration of BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a glorious day :)Congratulations America!!!!

Update

So lately I have had very little time to do more than a small blurb on my blog...Thought I would update a little more thoroughly. I'm having a really great week this week. I feel motivated, focused and in control. I am on full Optifast formula (800 calories), and have made it to the gym 3 times so far since Monday. At the gym I have been running on the elliptical for 30-35 minutes, and I have been doing some strength training as well. So right now I feel pretty good about things. My weightloss ticker is updated below according to my home scale this morning.

I have been trying to start a new habit, that focuses on my emotional health--a gratitude journal. Each night I am writing down at least 5 (I always have more than that) things that I am feeling grateful for that day. This was the suggestion in a book I am reading: "Simple Abundance". I am finding that I have been "standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst" (song title). Along this journey I have learned to not take so many things for granted, and to not get too caught up in the details. I definitely feel like my gratitude and contentment with life is related to my eating. It is as if I had been trying to fill a hole in my heart with food for years and years, and now I realize that there are so many other things to put in that hole. So many things to be "full" of instead of food....

Something else I wanted to comment on--when I saw my doctor again after several months one of the questions he asked was whether or not people treat me differently now. The answer is, yes, absolutely. People I have known for years have suddenly become much kinder to me...I feel like I have gained a lot of respect from people. And while this may seem nice, it bothers me alot. Because I was no less wonderful when I was heavier. I was still smart and funny and caring--some people just didn't/couldn't see past the weight. Sad. But another thing my doctor said made a lot of sense--really it is on an unconcious level that people make judgments. They probably don't realize that they were discriminating based on weight...Interesting...

That's all for now. OH---one more thing. Reading another weightloss memoir "Diet Girl"--Shauna Reid is a fabulous blogger and author. Very inspiring.

DEAR KIM!!

Dear Kim,
Thanx for checking my blog so regularly. Makes me happy :) Please join Facebook.
Love your BFF,
Katie